Discussing: Fear of Failure

It may come as a surprise that I am quite the fearful person (unless we've ever talked at any length about cicadas, seriously, fuck those bugs). I am not proud of this facet of my person-diamond. (For the record, I'm not particularly proud about having this unjustified, deep-seated fear of cicadas either). 

Fear is a strange emotion for me personally in that it seems to elicit those much crappier, long-lasting emotions like: anxiety, shame, and guilt. This power trio is particularly fun to deal with because they are really good at keeping you busy from realizing that you're just scared of something.

Important note: it is NOT juvenile to say that you are scared of something. (Pfft, over here acting like walking to the kitchen in the middle of the night isn't spooky as shit and you're not running back to your bed quick as hell. Get outta here, liar).

​Back to business...

I have a major fear of failure.​

​There. I said it. I have a fear of failure and it has inhibited me in the following ways:

• ​I over-analyze. I will sit and ruminate on a topic forever. I think of everything that could go right, everything that could go wrong, and every single thing that it might affect outside of whatever the decision is itself. You might be thinking, 'hey that's pretty handy' and it usually is... except for the fact that I feel an intense guilt and anxiety about knowing that I'm over-analyzing and putting off the thing.
• I procrastinate. If I'm not 100% sure on how I want to do something or tackle a problem I wait until the last minute so that I have the maximum amount of time to over-analyze. Unfortunately, the analyzing process usually leads to being able to do whatever the thing is much faster because I already thought of all the shit that was going to go wrong in the first place. This is called a negative self-fulfilling prophecy, look at how I feed it to myself! It's so delicious!
• I don't try things I legitimately want to be good at someday. The opportunity to try new things comes up less and less as I get closer to 30. This is probably because my soul is dying, but also because I don't have that many friends. Anyway, the point here is, I won't try something new if I feel that I will look foolish in my attempts EVEN IF I really want to. I hate the thought of failing in front of someone even more than I hate failing itself.
• When I fail, I never let myself forget it. One time at work I told someone that they had scheduled something wrong because they 'hadn't accounted for Daylight Savings Time.' SAVINGS. SavingS. S. I added an 's' to the end of savings, and my coworker called me on it. I literally think about this moment at least a few times a month since it happened... in 2013.

Ultimately, after all of this thinking and putting things off, I usually pony up and do whatever the thing is (or sometimes I don't, HA! FEAR WINS!) But you can bet your sweet ass before I settle into that tiny pony saddle that is decision making, I'm exhausted. I no longer care about whatever I've decided or what I'm doing because I've been sitting in a pile of fear, scrubbing my withered body with oil of anxiety. I emerge wrapped in my towel of shame, dripping with guilt water, and even though I overcame the fear, it's too late to call it a win. 

I am scared of failing, and this is something I need to change.